What to Say When Someone Is Grieving (a guest article)

Today, perhaps more for my benefit than for my readers, I am posting from an article in a recent email  that came to me from Celebrations Plus, a business that sells gifts. The author shares very helpful thoughts and suggestions for dealing with the grief of others, a situation that leaves many of us baffled as to how to respond.  

The following are excerpts taken from Jim McCann, Founder & Chairman at 1-800-Flowers.com at Celebrations Plus, Things Remembered, “A Few Words About Grief.” 

Words of Comfort, What to Say When Someone Is Grieving

We’ve all been there. You get word that someone you care about is grieving. You want to ease their pain or at least let them know you’re thinking of them. But, too often, we hold back, afraid of saying the wrong thing or coming across as intrusive.

In those moments, the right words rarely come easily. That hesitation is understandable: Grief is one of the most difficult emotions to confront. Still, silence can make someone feel even more alone, no matter how physically close you are.

Over the years, friends and colleagues have asked me what to say or do when someone is mourning. My advice is always the same: Keep it simple. A kind word or a brief expression of condolence can go a long way toward letting them know you’re there for them.

You don’t need to find the perfect word. In fact, there might not be any. But showing empathy, humility, and care is enough. Even if the person who is grieving doesn’t respond right away, your gesture will be felt.

What not to say — and why it matters

There may be no perfect words in this situation, but some are better than others. Certain phrases, though well-meaning, can land the wrong way. Expressions like “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re in a better place” may sound reassuring on the surface, but to someone deep in sorrow, they can feel dismissive or minimizing.

“It’s a compassionate instinct, but one that falls short because in this situation, there is nothing we can do or say that will lessen the impact of their grief.”

— Rev. Christine V. Davies

From Dr. Terri Daniel, a hospice educator, added that any comment that tries to minimize the pain can sometimes do more harm than good.

Sentences that begin with “At least,” such as “At least you had time together” or “At least they’re not suffering,” can unintentionally suggest that the person should be feeling grateful, rather than heartbroken. And comparisons like “When my father passed…” can make someone feel as if their grief is being measured or corrected.

Put simply, grief needs to be acknowledged, not fixed. Every loss is shaped by the unique nature of the relationship behind it. That’s why unsolicited advice like “You should go to therapy” or “Just try to stay busy” can backfire, even if it’s meant with love.

Simple gestures that bring comfort

Stumbling over our words is part of being human. But what matters most isn’t getting it exactly right but rather being present and sincere. Social worker Sarah Rollings, for instance, encourages honesty and simplicity.

“You can just say, ‘There are no words for how hard this is, and I’m so sorry. I’m here for you.’”

She also reminds us that practical help can go a long way. Grief often makes even the smallest decisions feel overwhelming. Offering to take care of a daily task, like dropping off a meal or helping with errands, can ease that burden more than you might realize.

And it’s important to remember that grief doesn’t end with the funeral. In many ways, the hardest days come after everyone else returns to their routines. Anniversaries, birthdays, the holidays, even an ordinary Tuesday, can bring that heartache flooding back.

James… [is] always mindful of the anniversary of his father’s death. That’s why he keeps track of when his friends’ parents passed away, and on those anniversaries, he sends a simple note that says, “I’m thinking of you.” He adds:

“I can’t tell you how many of them respond by saying, ‘You’re the only one who remembers,’ or, ‘You always remember.’ That’s because I know how it feels.”

The smallest acts of kindness often leave the deepest imprint. We may not always know what to say, but when we lead with empathy, we can never go wrong.

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A Most Welcome Change

mums for sale

Autumn weather [finally] showed up here in North Central Florida this weekend. Ahhhh!

morning bike ride

Our porch thermometer was barely reading at 60 degrees early this morning, clearly indicating that my usual shorts and sleeveless tops for the bike ride could be pushed aside for longer pants and my bright yellow hoodie. Black-and-yellow is my standard uniform for the bicycle rides no matter the length of the pants and sleeves. 

I've got a collection of black shorts, capris, and long pants to wear with yellow sleeveless tops, T-shirts, and long sleeves. Also in my closet is one of those construction-type vests in chartreuse yellow. It's hugely important to dress to be seen by the traffic.

entrance from the parking lot

Although we don't have the climate for the traditional signs of autumn that so many of my blogging friends have been featuring, our produce farms have issued invitations to see what they've got to offer.

The TV weatherman began touting a more favorable forecast on a day when I had an appointment out toward one of those farms. We decided to go check it out.

We were not disappointed. The mums, the pumpkins and scented candles were all there, as well as recently-harvested produce neatly stacked on tables.

Shopping with the intention of bringing home some specialty jam or other foods, I came across Gator Jam. An examination of the label  told me there was no alligator preserved in the mason jar, so I assume this product is meant to accompany gator meat. We don't eat reptiles of any sort, so I passed on this garnish. There was also some seedless blackberry jam that I meant to pick up before leaving, but as it turned out I got distracted and forgot about it.

There was cute autumn decor (I don't like to say 'Halloween') but as I've said many times, seasonal decor has to be kept someplace for 10-11 months out of the year. These +55 retirement houses don't have a lot of storage options other than what we use all the time. So I enjoy looking but seldom buy any of it.

There was a homey sitting area that may have been intended for seasonal photographs and such. These people were very comfortably stationed in the easy chairs and did not look to be inclined to get up. We did not get our pictures taken there.

Out behind the shopping area was at least one bounce house for the kids and a very large field of bright yellow sunflowers. There may have been a corn maze, but there was a cost for venturing into those areas, so we skipped that. It was a Thursday when we visited, so we saw no children at the bounce house.

I was very pleased to see somebody had made available these Our Daily Bread devotional booklets. Do any of you read Our Daily Bread? I got it via snail mail for many years and then transitioned to their on-line version. It's good for a quick read when positive inspiration is needed.

After checking out the fresh produce, the canned products and home decor, I settled on a jar of Bacon Jam. I enjoyed it a couple of years ago when I bought some as a gift for a relative. Gary made a disdainful face when I told him I was getting it, which means I won't have to share with him! 😋

As I was paying at the register, the gal talked me into adding a fresh loaf of sour dough bread to my total purchase. That was two days ago and only one slice of the bread is left. Gary has been glad to help me with that but he puts fruit jam or peanut butter on it instead of the Bacon Jam. We also used it for grilled cheese sandwiches.

I don't mention my children often because whatever I would want to share about them is their story (with the notable exception of Jr's wife's mule, which is just too good to pass up!). But Jr sends me these gorgeous pictures from their part of the country, where there are more Aspens than Maples. It's okay with him if I share with you.

Off and on over some 40 years of my adult life, I lived within a short drive of the Rocky Mountains, so the autumn color I'm used to is primarily the many shades of the Aspen trees' golden yellows. They blanket the mountain slopes, contrasting sharply with Evergreens and Blue Spruce. It's a stunning sight. I miss seeing them. It's been about eight and a half years since we left Colorado for Florida.

I've heard from more than one source that this year the Rocky Mountain West has more reds showing up, which is a remarkable change, and welcome, I'm sure. 

Here in Florida, we do have the four seasons, but (in my opinion) you have to live here for a few years to be able to notice the subtle changes from one to another. 

Now that I'm older, I do enjoy living here in this sub-tropical climate. In a future post I'll share a recent adventure where I took a lot of snapshots, including the one above this paragraph. We don't have the golden Aspen trees here, but we do have an abundance of jaw-dropping nature to enjoy. 

There is unique beauty and opportunity everywhere if we will just look around and open ourselves to the possibilities. 

Over the years of my entire life, I have lived in eleven states and one Canadian province. This particular scripture verse has taught me to choose acceptance and contentment when change was required:

... I have learned, 

in whatsoever state I am,

therewith to be content.

Philippians 4:11 KJV

The Apostle Paul, in saying "whatsoever state," was probably referring to whether he was free or in jail, but his words can apply to all of us as we face circumstances that may be other than what we would choose. 

Another verse that has been both instructing and comforting to me is this:

Now acquaint yourself with Him

and be at peace.

Job 22:21 NKJV

Until next time, grace and peace.

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Celebrating a Birthday!

where I'm sitting to blog

We sit out here on the lanai many afternoons to read, enjoy the view of the back yard, and I compose these blog posts. During the depths of summer's heat or in our short winter months, time spent here is brief, if at all. Twelve large windows help to regulate the amount of heat or cold.

Today is perfect. The overcast sky emits fleeting rain showers that are gone before they really get started, and a brisk breeze is fluttering softly through my hair. We're wearing shorts and short-sleeved T-shirts. One of us is wearing sandals and the other is barefoot.

Gary is in a nearby chair, talking on the phone with his son while I type on my laptop and inject an occasional comment into their conversation. 

It's birthday weekend here, for Gary. If you're asking if it is a Big One, my response is that at our age, every birthday is the big one. 

To celebrate another trip around the sun we prefer to go low-key. On Thursday we had lunch at one of our local favorites that sits absolutely on the very edge of the Rainbow River. I took the snapshot you see here (below) to give you an idea of how casual this place is: corrugated metal decor, lots of beer advertisements, and most of the dining area is open-air with huge picnic tables and metal patio furniture. The serving staff all wear blue jean cut-off shorts.

The hostess always asks us where we prefer to sit. Our usual response is on the outer deck within a few feet of the river. 

our first table

We had driven through a blustery rain storm to get there, so we brought our jackets and the umbrella with us to the table. It's good that we did!

That same storm caught up with us, so we grabbed the menus and found a drier place to sit. This time we stationed ourselves on bar stools that had us sitting side-by-side, which I usually avoid, preferring face-to-face conversation with my dining companion.

However, our view of the river from the countertop and stools was excellent. When it's just the two of us, we may ask to sit there all the time in future visits!

We have kayaked and canoed this river together in the past. It's a "lazy river" kinda thing with slow-boat traffic, inner tubes, paddle boards. Be sure to note the gray Spanish Moss draped from the huge oak trees above the canvas awnings. "Swampy's" is aptly named!

As for what we ate, the Birthday Boy had sausage and shrimp over grits with a spicy cheesy cream sauce. He said it was sooo good!

I had the grilled chicken sandwich with all the available vegetables and a side of cole slaw. Sweet tea, too. (Always sweet tea when we eat out.) Very good; we enjoyed it all.

So that was on Thursday. Since the actual birthday was on Saturday, and we generally try to avoid weekend traffic, we did the eat-out-lunch celebration on a weekday. (Friday was my Bible study and a pedicure appointment.)

On Saturday morning I gave Gary this card when he brought my first-of-the-morning coffee. By mutual agreement early in our relationship, we decided to not usually exchange gifts, preferring shared experiences instead. At our age, we have: 

had it all

have it all

have either worn it out, sold it, or donated it

just don't need it

My son from Out West texted this snapshot of his family (minus the 2 cats) with his greeting for Gary's birthday:

This is their mule, the one who jumped the ranch fence twice a couple of weeks ago. They tell me she's not done that any more, so hopefully that escapade won't be repeated.

Gary also received emails and text messages from his family, some of his former co-workers and even a couple of high school classmates!

Although we stayed home (Gary rode his bike after breakfast; I'm still grounded from that for a few more days), we maintained a festive feel throughout the day. I wore my ice cream shirt that was purchased at Jekyll Island last year. Gary wore his souvenir shirt from Billy Bob's in Fort Worth (acquired before we met).

Gary cooked hamburgers on his indoor grill and put together a French Fry - Tater Tot combo in the air fryer. Yes, I caught him in this picture with his mouth-full! 

We watched the Air Force vs. Navy football game. Our favor leans toward Air Force, since Gary and members of my family are veterans. But Gary has also spent a fair amount of time at the Naval Academy with his investigative career after USAF retirement. 

Late in the day we had German chocolate birthday cupcakes with a candle and Klondike ice cream bars. As you can see we are big party animals and we like it this way.

Returning to the topic of giving each other shared experiences instead of gift-wrapped presents, I spent some time reminiscing about the fun places/trips we've taken since his last birthday. Here are just some of the snapshots taken:

Gary's Birthday lunch at Flagler Beach 2024

Christmas 2024 model train
and miniatures show

Valentine's Day 2025 @ Tarpon Springs
(sponge diving excursion)

Barbara's birthday lunch 2025
Crackers on Crystal River

Everglades, Florida 2025

Key West, southern-most tip 
of Continental USA
April 2025

spring 2025 
Dudley Historic Farm, Newberry, FL

Mermaids @ Weeki Watchee
April 2025

49th Avenue biking trail
Summer 2025

National Corvette Museum, Bowling Green, Kentucky
September 2025

It's been a good birthday celebration. Every year, every day, every breath -- all are gifts of mercy from our Lord who has blessed us more than we can possibly know this side of Heaven.

Teach us to number our days, 

that we may gain a heart of wisdom. 

Psalm 90:12 

Until next time, grace and peace.

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Wisdom Gained the Hard Way

internet photo

For two seniors living the retired life we seem to never have a dull moment. Gary's desire every morning is to "do nuthin'!" but he rarely achieves that goal. 🤭🙄 With this post I'm expanding on that as I respond to Joyce's Hodgepodge questions for this week. 

1. What's your favorite fall scent? Would we find this in or around your home right now? 

I prefer Vanilla at any time of the year. A lot of other scents give me a headache. 

2. October is Country Music Month...are you a fan of country music? Do you have a favorite country artist? Ever been to Nashville? In terms of lifestyle are you more country mouse or city mouse? 

Country music doesn't appeal to me much (it's too much "cryin' in my beer"); but I can take it in small doses if people are country line dancing. THAT is fun to watch.

I have been through Nashville's freeway traffic many times and stayed overnight at the Gaylord Opryland Resort & Convention Center, which was an absolute delight (thanks to the generosity of my eldest son a few months after his dad died). To reach our family members up north, driving through Nashville is our usual route. 

Gaylord Opryland Resort & Convention Center

Never a 'country mouse,' I've lived in cities and suburbs all of my life. My father was an airline pilot for a few years and then transitioned to corporate aviation. Much of that time my family had only one car, so we usually lived pretty close to the airport.

internet stock photo

Sister and I were in grade school (and younger) when Daddy was flying with American Airlines, so of course we gave thought to becoming stewardesses (now called 'flight attendants) when we grew up. One time when the girls' uniforms changed, Daddy gave us a couple of their older caps for playing dress-up! We used to play "airplane," lining up all our dolls and stuffed animals in rows with a single aisle in the middle. If I remember correctly, I served the passengers while Sister sat in the cockpit.

Interestingly enough, while I have always been a 'city mouse,' Sister married a farmer! They lived on their family farm for many years before moving to a small town nearby.

3. How about 'country cooking'? (loosely defined as rich flavors, familiar foods, large portions, often fried, and often associated with the southern region of the US of A)? 

Of these foods, listed, which is your favorite? Are there any on the list you haven't tried or would say a firm no thank you to if offered? 

chicken and dumplings - soggy dough not my favorite

fried chicken - as long as it's not too greasy

shrimp and grits - shrimp yes, grits seem kinda tasteless to me

biscuits and gravy - yes; but I prefer butter and jam

mac and cheese - yes

fried green tomatoes - yes

cornbread - I love to bake cornbread in cast iron

collard or turnip greens - yes, and here in the South, especially

deviled eggs - oh yes!

'barbecue'- yes, but that's very high in sodium (more on that to come)

gumbo - haven't had it much, too spicy for me

banana pudding - absolutely!!!

4. What's something that always had a positive impact on your mood? Well.... eating BBQ used to have a positive impact on my mood, as well as on my taste buds. However, referencing my experiences over the past month with the diagnoses of high blood pressure (hypertension) and nose bleeds that took me to the ER, I'm having to distance myself from this flavor-laden pleasure. 

After the first serious nose bleed was packed, unpacked, and seemed to be all healed up, I did research on the connection between nose bleeds and hypertension and diet. It was all very interesting. I took my newly-acquired blood pressure prescription faithfully and resumed my near-daily bike rides with Gary but didn't take seriously the advice to eat a low salt diet.

Then several weeks later, we went to a well-known restaurant chain to enjoy BBQ ribs. Yes, they were literally lip-smakin' good. But about 5 hours later a nose bleed started up again from the same place as the serious one before. By then I had become a pro at responding quickly and was able to get it stopped in about 20 minutes, so a trip to the ER was not necessary. We were disheartened this had happened again. I did some research and this is what AI had to say:

A very high-sodium meal can cause a temporary increase in blood pressure, which may contribute to a nosebleed by increasing pressure on fragile blood vessels in the nose. While high blood pressure is more commonly linked to nosebleeds, a rapid, high sodium intake can induce this effect by causing the blood vessels' ability to dilate to be impaired.

I strongly suspected the BBQ lunch had a lot to do with the nose bleed. Over the course of the next couple of days, I had 3 more nosebleeds. As reported in my last blog post, I saw my ENT doctor, got the affected area cauterized, and have been doing well ever since. 

While I'm not saying I'll never touch BBQ again, I do realize some dietary changes seem prudent (eating smaller amounts of the very high-sodium BBQ).

snapshot taken at Chicago's O'Hare airport
October 2013

The other day I shopped at Barnes and Noble for books on the subject. Yesterday I bought this book and made a wonderful meatloaf from page 136. 

purchase

5. As we say so long to September share a noun, a verb, and an adjective that tells us something about how that month looked for you.

Glad September's gone

6. Insert your own random thought here. Other things going on around here: it was time to pass Edith's Yamaha keyboard on to those who know how to play it. When the men came to get it, I asked if they could play "Amazing Grace," and of course they did, following that with the newer lyrics, "My sins are gone; I've been set free..." That has been a highlight of my week.

In it's place, we have put a hall table, which created more space in another part of the house that was a little crowded. We've been married well over 3 years but are still making the necessary adjustments when two households are combined into one.

Speaking of the length of time we've been married, the romance is more alive with every passing day. When the ENT cauterized my nose last week, she told me to refrain from heavy lifting and a lot of exertion for a couple of weeks to not upset the healing process. That meant I'd not be riding bikes with Gary every day, so he's been going out on his own. I sit on the porch reading while awaiting his return. 

Gary coming home

People probably don't know what a flirt he is with me. One morning as he approached our driveway, he called out (and I'm quoting exactly what he said): "Hey! Is your old man gone? I wanna talk to you! You're the cutest thing I've seen all morning!"

Yeah, this is not unusual for him. I love it!

purchase information

In closing, I want to share this piece of jewelry I bought for myself earlier this year. It's not costly but the value of how it's helped me through some tough times is great. Do you recognize what it is?

Here's a hint:

[Jesus] replied, "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20-21

It is a tiny mustard seed encased in a clear acrylic pendant. What this seed says to me is that we either have faith or we don't. It's not so much how much (or how large) our faith is but simply that we have faith at all! 

My trust in the Lord has been tested of late with these physical things. We all are challenged about something just about every single day. Although it's not been especially fun, the Lord has come through for me and I'm here today, able to write about His faithfulness to me and to thank Him for bringing me through. 

Until next time, grace and peace. 

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With thanks to Joyce for giving us good questions on the Hodgepodge, if you want to connect (link up) with other bloggers responding to these questions, click here.